On the eve of our adoption coming soon I find myself doing alot of reflecting over the last two years and our journey. When you come through the fire it is not hard to look back over where you have been. I had a certain memory I wanted to share with all my friends.
When we were given our foster daughter for placement the first few weeks were basically full of no information. You just take care of an infant doing what you know and rest in that alone. Then over the course of a few more weeks you begin to get more details. At this point I am told the bio mom is in prison with a four year sentence and the placement of this little girl is looking to be long term. This filled me with so many questions. I was terrified of having a bond with her for years and then having to let her go. Let me back up a minute and say I never intended to adopt. I am not sure what I thought. Maybe like a long sleep over? I really just wanted to help and I wanted to mentor a mother to help her be the best mom she herself could be. So when they say we are looking at a year or more and that she may not be going back to her bio mom I felt myself go into a different mode of thinking. It is during this time the baby is going through withdrawals and as she struggles I am falling more for her every day.
I still maintain that if circumstances were different and bio mom was in the picture I could have helped them to reunite. But our little princess had no contact with any bio parent. Ever. Not during the entire placement. I was all she knew as mom, and my husband was all she knew as dad. Over time she was just another member of our family and I was fiercely protective over her. I could not have loved her more if I had given birth to her myself.
That brings me to a year. We have become a family of 6 and although we are attending every court hearing and it is always full of ups and downs I feel that we are heading in the direction of adoption. I mean at this point I have been asked by DHS a few times if we would be interested in adopting her. Our answer YES!!! She was mine and I was hers.
But now all of a sudden there is talk that bio mom may be released from prison early. Okay, happy for her but why does that matter? Baby girl has now been with us for a year and we are all she knows right? I could see and sense a change in DHS. I am hearing words like visitation, and reunification, and telling me I should get a support group. THIS WAS A BOMB. I hit a bottom I didn’t know existed. Am I going to loose her? Not only that… but with foster care you not only suffer grief as if a child has died but also the every day, every minute fear that they are walking on this earth in a situation where they are hungry, hurt, and missing you. I felt my world spinning out of control.
It was during this time I found my conversation with God come full circle. I was fearful. “PLEASE don’t take her from me.” Then I was angry. “How could you do this to ME?” Then I prayed for her, our little girl. “Please protect her”. And I found myself telling God that I knew he loved this precious little one. And if this was what was best for HER then please help me to understand and to let her go. It was at this moment when I surrendered MY will for HIS I heard him. This is what he told me. “yes, I do love her. of course I am going to protect her. She is my child too and I am in control. BUT my love doesn’t stop there. I love YOU too. YOU are my child. And if you trust me I am going to protect YOU”. I will tell you this did bring me comfort but I still wrestled. He didn’t say I was going to keep her. He didn’t say I was going to get the answer I wanted. (he did actually reveal that few months later). He said he loved ME. He was going to be there for ME. I knew in this moment that I would come out okay. I didn’t know what or how but I was going to make it through.
Now we sit here a week from adoption and I am beyond words to say how thankful I am. His will be done. But I also have grown in my walk with him. I have come to place of trust I hadn’t been before. A deeper level I am also thankful for. So what ever you suffer today, where ever you struggle I say to you, HE loves YOU. And if you trust him he will see you through.